AUGUST 1997
SPECIAL PARENTING ISSUE
Why Some Children Become Violent
The headlines are filled with stories of children - some as youngas seven - beating or killing other children who are weaker oryounger than themselves. While gang behavior is becoming moreprevalent, other factors can come into play. Many of these childrencome from extremely dysfunctional situations and disintegratedfamilies. Violence is part of their daily lives; when these youngpeople become violent, these actions can be seen as an outgrowthof righteous anger, notes psychiatrist Mitchell Wilson, M.D.
But what happens when children from supposedly "good"families turn to violence? "Children who are regularly shamedand humiliated, often by their parents, build up to a buried ragethat may eventually explode", explains Mary Lamia, Ph.D.,chair of the San Francisco Psychoanalytic Institute's Public InformationCommittee. "Parents may feel they are helping their childby constantly correcting him or her, but these criticisms only heighten a child's feelings of worthlessness, powerlessness andhelplessness. In order to exert some control over the world, theylash out."
Another potential cause of violence occurs when children's talentsare not appreciated or encouraged, when they feel they cannotlive up to their own or their parents ideals. They can becomefrustrated, and anger can be an outgrowth of this frustration.If blame becomes externalized - 'It's the world that's bad, notme'- a child may retaliate by harming others.
Some children, especially those with learning disabilities, feelunable to compete with their peers. These children may feel thattheir failures on an intellectual level can be obscured by physicalforce, that they can impress their peers through intimidation."These children need a great deal of encouragement and recognitionof their successes," Dr. Lamia says.
It is very difficult for some parents to set limits to help theirchildren learn right from wrong. This inability on the parent'spart may lead to a child's unclear understanding of inappropriatebehavior. "These parents often have difficulty with theirown hostility and aggression. They are worried that they may getout of control, so they put a high priority on being 'nice'"Dr. Wilson indicates.
Dr. Lamia is most concerned about the havoc caused by childrenwho are born without a sense of empathy or conscience. "Thesechildren can be taught right from wrong, and they may behave underthreat of punishment, but they don't respond to guilt or a naturalsense of caring for others. It's important that parents with thesekinds of children set clear limits and make sure there are consequencesto exhibited behaviors, both good and bad."
Next time a child commits an atrocity - and there will be a next time - call Media Consultant Mary Tressel at : 1-800-260-2663 for a psychological perspective on the story.
When The Choice is Not to Have Children
A generation or two ago, it was socially unacceptable for a coupleto choose not to have children. Today, adults can decide whether they wish to parent without the fear of social criticism, and this change has helped them feel free to make the choice not to have children. While the kinds of people who choose not to have children vary greatly, several factors may characterize their choice.
"Some women are physically afraid to have children. They fear being ripped apart by the pain of childbirth," according to Mark Levy, M.D., President of the San Francisco Foundationfor Psychoanalysis. "Other people don't want to give up theirfreedom, either in recreational activities or in their careers. They don't want the responsibility of raising a child," he continues.
"It's also not uncommon for women who want children to accede to the wishes of a husband who doesn't - or vice versa. These individuals generally have a low self-esteem; they cannot assert their own needs in an effective way."
A number of people choose not to parent because of their own unhappy childhood, or because they feel they will not be good parents."Sometimes, when a person feels chronically enraged, the choice not to parent is actually a healthy one," notes Dr. Levy. "They don't want to damage a child."
Some men strongly oppose any disturbance in their wife's appearance."They see their partners as narcissistic adornments for themselves, and pregnancy and its aftermath threaten that vision."
When people feel they didn't experience their own childhood, either because of family responsibilities, family dysfunction or other circumstances, they may choose not to parent to give themselves a chance to play. Another scenario may occur when both the husbandand wife have established important, satisfying careers and an adult lifestyle. They may be reluctant to give up what they have strived so hard to achieve.
Because adults no longer experience the disapproval of society if they elect not to have children, more and more people are makingthis choice. But Dr. Levy cautions, "What we don't know, what we haven't seen in any other generation, is what will happen to baby boomers as they slide into late middle age and old age without children. They may feel a loss that can't be recovered."
"It is important for people without children to broaden theircircle of love and nurture a child," Dr. Levy concludes. "If these individuals become doting aunts or uncles, or 'adopt' a child in a Big Brother or Big Sister program, they can mitigate some of the negative effects of childlessness."
To interview Mark Levy, M.D., about people who decide not toparent, call Media Consultant, Mary Tressel at 1-800-260-2663.
The Emotional Cost of Infertility
Many couples postpone having children until their careers andlives are fairly well established. Then, when the woman's biologicalclock starts ticking loudly, they decide to have a baby.
Having children is an ability most women take for granted, but it is more difficult for an older woman to get pregnant, and somewomen are unable to do so. "Infertility is usually unexpected, and the news may come relatively early in a couple's married life, before they've experienced any other failures ," notes Mitchell Wilson, M.D., a member of the Public Information Committee of the San Francisco Psychoanalytic Institute. "Couples often experience a sense of shame and failure over their inability to have children. Because these are such difficult feelings to admit, couples may hide their feelings, even to themselves."
Dr. Wilson adds that couples who cannot have children often look to medical
advances for a solution. "There can be enormous investment in time and
money, and, while a couple may begin the process in a spirit of optimism and
determination, repeated failures can cause a great deal of stress in the relationship.
Each member of the couple may blame the other to assuage their own sense of
shame and guilt. The couple may find themselves fighting overother issues, not
recognizing the underlying source of their conflict. This situation may be especially
true if one of the partners is identified as causing the difficulty in conception;
there is often a subtle expression of frustration and even anger that can place
additional stress on the relationship," Wilson comments.
"Another problem can occur when the parents, who invested so much time, money and emotional energy into having a baby, placeenormous pressures on the child, who may be expected to be near-perfect to "pay them back". Bitterness and resentment can occur if a child has social, emotional or physical problems. "The parents may feel cheated."
The birth of a child is an exciting, wondrous event in a family's life. When couples have difficulty conceiving, a great deal ofstress may occur in the relationship. "By recognizing potentialproblems," Dr. Wilson concludes, "couples can address issues as they arise, and their relationship will ultimately be strengthened."
To interview Mitchell Wilson, M.D., about the psychologicalramifications of infertility treatment, please call Media Consultant, Mary Tressel at 1-800-260-2663.